Firstly we must remove the coconut water, to do this grab your very unused corkscrew, shove it brutally through one of the coconuts eyes, do this quickly to put coconut out of misery. Screw and screw till you’ve formed a perfect little hole, then pour contents into glass, be very disappointed by tiny amount of water.
Now to crack on…*puns puns puns*
The internet guides say to use the blunt side of a meat cleaver and hit all the way around the circumference of coconut. You don’t have a meat cleaver, you’re a vegetarian. Use largest knife you own, forget it said use blunt side and come dangerously close to loosing a finger.
Tire of not getting anywhere and accidentally discover best coconut smashing device, your little saucepan!! Place coconut on floor, wield pan high above head and with large aggressive swings smash coconut with pan. Chase coconut around floor of kitchen whilst smashing. At last the thing is starting to crack!! Just when you were starting to think this coconut was in fact the Pandorica. Rejoice at coconut victory, you now have two half’s, hit them together to make horse clopping noise, gallop around the kitchen whilst quoting Monty Python. Break from coconut victory euphoria when realise bottom of pan is now seriously dented.
Back to your biggest knife, use this to scrap flesh from the shell, hand slips a few times and yet again fear the loss of digits. Snack on all tiny chunks of flesh then realise that for all this effort there’s really not enough flesh, is it worth it?
Later in evening place one half of coconut into Hamster cage, yes it was worth it because Brontë loves it and is having a wail of a time sat in his coconut shell munching on it’s contents.