Sometimes I want to vanish. Just up and disappear without a trace. Someone has hurt me, I have a difficult decision to make, I’m avoiding something that is both inevitable and terrifying. Sometimes I just have this cloud over my head that I haven’t the energy to get away from. On this occasion it was because I’d spent so much time in my head daydreaming that when I came back to reality I was a little disappointed and disconnected from my own life.
I have an awful habit of running away from things, I don’t face up to situations, I don’t do things that challenge me. I flee. I’m trying my hardest to break the cycle but it’s not easy to stop behaving in a way that you’ve done all your life.
Things are going really well in my life right now, I’m in a good place and I’m achieving my goals and yet I feel so thoroughly unfulfilled.
My mindset is wrong. I need to adopt some more positive thinking, I need to start realising all that I have to be grateful for. Stop wishing for things that are never going to happen and search for realistic aims that I can work towards.
I need to sleep more. I need to switch off. I need to not be awake at this time of night trying to evaluate why the idea of staying still is so undesirable to me. However. This feels good, to let my mind wander and let my fingers type away. I feel lighter, I feel like I can go to bed now and not lay in the dark for hours chewing my lip and wondering, ‘what if?’