Clean Me.

I’ve been on a journey in search of health and happiness for months now. I can happily report that both those aspects of my life have improved greatly but of course this is the kind of journey that never has a definitive end, there’s always room for self improvement, there’s always ways to find greater happiness in life.

The biggest change I’ve made is my diet. Honestly I didn’t think my diet was all that bad, I wasn’t gaining weight, I was eating my three meals a day but when I took the time to really evaluate how I ate I realised how poor my it really was.

How did I change? Cut out the processed frozen meals, yes they’re really convenient to just shove in the oven after work and they’re usually pretty cheap too BUT there’s words in the ingredients list that I can’t even pronounce! Good rule of thumb, if you can’t say you don’t eat it.

Upped my veggie intake, there’s loads of veg I enjoy, so stop saying there’s no point cooking it  because you’re the only one who’ll eat it!! Be selfish on this one, cook a big pan of peas and sweetcorn and ignore Jonathan when he says how disgusting they taste!

Downfall, thy name is full sugar Coke. A can a day, really? How stupid, put the can down and walk away! That fuzzy feeling it leaves on your teeth isn’t pleasant and if it’s doing that to your teeth what’s it doing to your insides? No more of that missy!


Basically my final decision was to eat as clean as I could, it isn’t easy, we’ve been raised on processed connivence food and snacking on junk. It’s very difficult to change life long habits and although I’ve been doing this for almost six months I still have bad days. Some days I fall off the wagon and buy myself a microwavable ‘quickie tea’ and I usually feel awful afterwards but tomorrow is a new start and a chance to try again.

Since I’ve started eating a clean and more natural diet my mood and outlook and attitude and energy and EVERYTHING have improved greatly. My body isn’t made lethargic by struggling to digest the indigestible, I’m giving it healthy fuel and my health is the best it’s been for years.

Thoughts During Spin Class

“We’re late! We’re late! Quick you get us booked in I’ll run up and get us a bike so we don’t have to sit next to that guy that huffs like…well I’d rather not say what it sounds like..”

“How high is this bike seat? Geez was the guy before me a giraffe?”

“Uh! So much resistance, perhaps my wheel is in fact made of lead.”

“Lets start the timer up, this forty five minutes is going to fly by.”

Ten minutes later


*huff* *pant* *gasp*

“This resistance is so hard, I can barely do 60mph and I’m supposed to be at 90!”

“My legs. My legs. I can’t move them anymore!”

“If I visually show how hard I’m trying by putting a pained look on my face she won’t shout at me to go harder.”

“My lungs! How they burn!”

“How much sweat can a human produce? If there was ever a shortage of human sweat in the world, I’m sure I could fill a few dams with mine.”

“That older woman is going like a machine, must keep going.”

“But I think I might faint. If I fall will the bike come with me? Will I be trapped under the bike?”

“Fifteen more minutes!!”

“Standing attack sprint!? Hows about I slump over the handles and wheeze a little?”

“There’s sweat dripping down my nose! I am a human waterfall! Do not make eye contact with anyone right now.”

“Imagine a hoard of zombies coming, must pedal to escape zombies!”

*Accidentally make zombie groan out loud. Get funny look from woman next to you*

“Hahaha! Screw you zombies I’m gone!”

“Is this Lady Gaga we’re listening to? I can’t stand Lady Gaga!….This is pretty good actually.”

“I feel sick, I’m giving up now, I’ll discreetly roll off my bike and slither from the room.”

“No! I can do this! …Maybe.”


*Focus on dismounting bike without collapsing*

*Spend next ten minuets trying to return to a human state*

“I feel amazing, that was so good! God I love spin but why does are class have to be upstairs? Trying to get down these steps with wobbly legs is impossible. I feel like a slinky!”

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Former Fat Arse. 

The 25th of December 2010 was not a very merry Christmas for me at all, for one reason, well two if you count the stonking cold I was sporting, but the main reason being that I made the foolish mistake of stepping onto the scales. Any sane person would know that if you’re hoping to raise your festive spirit, weighing yourself after a good week (or two….or three) of noel feasting is not the way to go. I knew I was overweight but I was not prepared to see 19 st (226lbs) flashing back at me. I was mortified to say the least, I sat in the middle of the bathroom and cried, an all too familiar scene for me. I’d struggled with my weight for all of my teens, which is just a nice way of saying I was fat in high school. Now usually in that situation I would have cried, hid in my room until my Mother came looking for me and then continued to cry whilst she gave me a big hug and tried to comfort me by saying, “don’t worry we’re going to do something about it.”


I’d tried for years to loose it, I’d been to dietitians, slimming clubs, walked miles, starved myself, blew out the candles every year and wished to be skinny and I’d even prayed which is really something considering that at the age of seven I’d decided that, “the existence of God lacks evidence.” And when all of these failed, I would lock myself away, eat and just face the fact that I’d always be fat and unhappy. A pretty miserable condemnation to face when your only seventeen.

But that Christmas something was different, I’d met a boy. I met him online and liked him so very much that I hoped some day we could meet up in real life. But I was embarrassed by how I looked and it was holding me back. So I had my little weep but then pulled myself together and promised my big backside that this time was the last time. I went on a strict (but healthy) vegetarian diet, I exercised for at least an hour every day and two years later I was over five stone lighter. It’s as simple as that! There’s no astounding secret to weight loss, it’s pure common sense and a whole lot of motivation.


I’m still no skinny mini, I never will be and that’s just that. I’d be lying if I said I was entirely happy with how I look, I’m not, I’d still like to loose a few more pounds here or there. And I do still on occasion wish I was a size smaller but I can say with the up most certainty I’m much happier and outgoing. My health and fitness have improved beyond imagination which has to be the most important part of this whole journey. So I guess it’s true that if you want something you really have to put in the work to get it.

P.S I got the boy, he’s a terrible influence.