To Run Away.

Sometimes I want to vanish. Just up and disappear without a trace. Someone has hurt me, I have a difficult decision to make, I’m avoiding something that is both inevitable and terrifying. Sometimes I just have this cloud over my head that I haven’t the energy to get away from. On this occasion  it was because I’d spent so much time in my head daydreaming that when I came back to reality I was a little disappointed and disconnected from my own life.

I have an awful habit of running away from things, I don’t face up to situations, I don’t do things that challenge me. I flee. I’m trying my hardest to break the cycle but it’s not easy to stop behaving in a way that you’ve done all your life.

Things are going really well in my life right now, I’m in a good place and I’m achieving my goals and yet I feel so thoroughly unfulfilled.

My mindset is wrong. I need to adopt some more positive thinking, I need to start realising all that I have to be grateful for. Stop wishing for things that are never going to happen and search for realistic aims that I can work towards.

I need to sleep more. I need to switch off. I need to not be awake at this time of night trying to evaluate why the idea of staying still is so undesirable to me. However. This feels good, to let my mind wander and let my fingers type away. I feel lighter, I feel like I can go to bed now and not lay in the dark for hours chewing my lip and wondering, ‘what if?’

How To Crack A Coconut and Somehow Avoid Injury.

Firstly we must remove the coconut water, to do this grab your very unused corkscrew,  shove it brutally through one of the coconuts eyes, do this quickly to put coconut out of misery. Screw and screw till you’ve formed a perfect little hole, then pour contents into glass, be very disappointed by tiny amount of water.

Now to crack on…*puns puns puns*

The internet guides say to use the blunt side of a meat cleaver and hit all the way around the circumference of coconut. You don’t have a meat cleaver, you’re a vegetarian. Use largest knife you own, forget it said use blunt side and come dangerously close to loosing a finger.

Tire of not getting anywhere and accidentally discover best coconut smashing device, your little saucepan!! Place coconut on floor, wield pan high above head and with large aggressive swings smash coconut with pan. Chase coconut around floor of kitchen whilst smashing. At last the thing is starting to crack!! Just when you were starting to think this coconut was in fact the Pandorica. Rejoice at coconut victory, you now have two half’s, hit them together to make horse clopping noise, gallop around the kitchen whilst quoting Monty Python. Break from coconut victory euphoria when realise bottom of pan is now seriously dented.

Back to your biggest knife, use this to scrap flesh from the shell, hand slips a few times and yet again fear the loss of digits. Snack on all tiny chunks of flesh then realise that for all this effort there’s really not enough flesh, is it worth it?

Later in evening place one half of coconut into Hamster cage, yes it was worth it because Brontë loves it and is having a wail of a time sat in his coconut shell munching on it’s contents.

Time Flies..

The passing of time really is a strange thing. I feel as though the days have rushed by me in a flash and yet looking back, the start of my week seems a lifetime ago. It’s been a little full on so I’ll fill you in.

Friday

Finish work, change into nice dress, poorly apply make up and battle with flat hair. Jump onto a train and travel four hours to Manchester. Have brilliant night out in Manchester with friends. Get to see friends band play an amazing gig and generally have such an eventful night that it really deserves it’s very own blogpost.

Saturday

Crawl into bed at six in the morning, wake up at one in the afternoon feeling unacceptably horrid. Enjoy the sensation of someone making you breakfast, spend the next two hours begging your friend to hurry up and get ready then rush off to Bolton. Run to wedding dress shop before it closes, try on dress again, coo at how pretty it is then spend largest amount of money you will ever spend on a garment. Head out for food with more friends, then spend entire evening playing board games. Teach your friends how to play marbles and how to practice yoga (not simultaneously) at two in the morning.

Sunday

Drag your friend out of bed and race to the train station. Grab a pasty, bite into pasty, spit out in horror when discover cheese and onion pasty is in fact chicken. Berate girl at pie shop for feeding a vegetarian chicken. Run to platform (wedding dress in tow) cheekily squeeze through the crowds and manage to get a seat. Travel to Chester whilst being deafened by two separate stag parties and two other hen parties. Get off in Chester then ring Dad to complain that you have to get off this train and wait in Chester for an hour to get back on the same train! Somehow stay awake for rest of journey home, find that fiancé has planned dinner and dessert and has bought lovely bunch of pink flowers.

Monday

BANK HOLIDAY! Thank the powers that be that you do not have to be in work today. Head out to Hay-On-Wye to spend lovely sunny day collecting armfuls of books, wander around antique shops and buy huge amounts of salted caramel fudge. Embrace the feeling of complete contentment.

Tuesday

Return to work, this day goes by and I don’t really seem to notice.

Wednesday

The joys of womanhood! It’s that time of the month and you are in agony, you tidy around the house, bake an almond and raspberry cake then decide being productive is not helping your cramps. Grab you playstation controller, use your Bat-a-rang and PMS to defeat Bane!

Thursday

Have sudden terrible realisation that you have to take your theory test on Saturday and you have learnt nothing in preparation for it. Download theory and hazard perception app and spend next two days answering questions on road safety.

Friday

Volunteer at the local theatre for the first time, help usher people dressed as zombies to their seats before they can enjoy Shaun of The Dead Live. Feel very awkward and shy when meeting large group of new people who aren’t the most forthcoming conversationally. Leave at ten then head straight to parents house to spend the night ‘sleeping’ on the worlds most uncomfortable bed.

Saturday

It’s 6 o’clock in the morning you’re exhausted and you’re heading to Newport to sit a test you feel wholly unprepared for. Try to focus on the questions but find self very distracted by thoughts of how to tell people you’ve failed. Miraculously pass theory test and immediately feel one hundred pounds lighter with relief. Get dragged to a national trust home which yes is very grand and impressive but not as appealing as your own bed.

Sunday

Today is devoted entirely to the purists of gaming and eating. Both very noble causes.

P.S I do fully intend to finish the Writing 101 challenge but as you can see, this past week has left me little free time.

Fearful Fertility.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about fear is that quite often it is completely illogical. My mother is terrified of spiders, when she lived in Australia this seemed sensible, lots of deadly spiders looking to nibble you. However she’s lived in England for the past forty years so there’s really no need to run screaming from a tiny money spider sat on the windowsill. I suffer with mild coulrophobia, not sure how helpful it is to my survival to be anxious of clowns…

My biggest fear of all is a fear that has no logic to it, my reasoning for this fear makes no sense and yet I can’t seem to shake it. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to have children.

Some time in the future myself and my fiancé want to have our own little family. I’ve always wanted children, I’m a very maternal person and I am the loudest cooer of babies. We’re not ready yet, we’ve got a few more adventures to have before we hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. Until then I can enjoy my daydreaming. I’m sitting in a cosy arm chair cradling my child, I’m kissing grazed knees better, I’m reading bed time stories to sleepy ears and I’m sighing in despair at all the mess and anarchy that comes with little ones. Every time I allow myself to spend some time imagining our family together I get a lump in my throat. “I’d better not think about that, it might never happen, I mightn’t be able.”

For all intense and purposes I’m a perfectly healthy woman, there should be no reason for me to think like this. Here’s where it all stems from, two of my Aunties were unable to conceive children of their own. These two Aunties wanted nothing more in life to have children, they tried and tried for years with no success. They’ve told me the stories of heartbreak, miscarriage after miscarriage. I’ve seen the looks of longing when passing a new Mother and baby. I’m so frightened that one day I will wear that look, I will feel that pain and I will know that sorrow. To live your life unable to fulfil the one desire you long for more than anything.

Somewhere at the back of my mind an unreasonable connection has been made, “maybe they wanted it too much. Every fibre of their being wanted babies, it was too much and that’s why they couldn’t.” It makes no sense at all! It’s stupid! It’s irrational! ..And yet. I daren’t express how much I want children for fear that the powers that be would decide to punish me. I’m getting anxious now just typing this. This confession could be the thing that will stop me from getting pregnant one day.

Fear can be such an illogical thing.

Goodbye Grandad

Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.

To loose someone once is awful, to loose someone twice is torture.

I was ten when Grandad Jack moved into our spare room, he’d lived on his own since Grandma passed away 5 years before. So I didn’t really understand why all of a sudden he was staying for good, I didn’t question it too much because I was so happy! I idolised my Grandfather, we had a very special connection and he always boasted that I was his favourite Grandchild, I was very proud of that title, I had beaten 7 cousins and my own brother for the prestigious award. Grandad had often stayed with us in the past but in my opinion his visits were always too short and I hated it when he went home, “now he’s living with us I’ll never have to say goodbye!”

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I didn’t know what Alzheimer’s was, he would turn on the light switch thinking he was turning the oven on, he would take out his handkerchief and use it polish the cutlery. I just thought he was being silly, Grandad always had a wicked sense of humour and he loved playing little jokes. This went on for a little while then all of a sudden Grandad turned into someone else. He was always angry and grumpy, he would snap at my Dad and he no longer wanted to talk or play with me.

One day I walked into the kitchen and my Dad was leaning over the sink crying, I’d never seen my Dad cry before, “Dad what’s wrong with Grandad?”

Dad answered me weepingly, “He’s sick and he’s not going to get better.”

Mum was at work one evening so I was stuck with all the blokes, Dad, Grandad and my older brother David. We were all sat together watching TV, Grandad was talking over the programme, he’d always done this but that night he was getting very agitated at the people on the TV. Then he started shouting, everything was a bit of a blur from that point. Dad shouted at David to get me upstairs and stay with me. We sat looking out at the street and I tried to block out the howls from my Grandad. Soon an ambulance pulled up outside followed closely by my Mums car.

Grandad had got into such a state that my Dad had had to restrain him, my Dad is a psychiatric nurse, Dad had phoned an ambulance because he realised that Grandad had now become a danger to himself. When the ambulance arrived Grandad refused to let me Dad get in with him, so it was up to my Mum to go to the hospital with him. They both got in the ambulance and drove away. I don’t really remember anything from that point on, I was numb. Grandad never came home after that night.

Songs To Laugh To.

Day 3: Write about the three most important songs in your life — what do they mean to you?

Tenacious D – Tribute It’s my 13th birthday party, the house is full of mine and my brothers friends. Two of my ‘friends’ have taken control of the TV and are forcing everyone to watch The X Factor *sigh*. I will never forgive Simon Cowell for putting the X Factor final on the weekend of my birthday. After being forced to listen to these fame hungry pains wail down a microphone for a while an argument has broken out. It is war between my friends and my brothers, my brothers friends have had enough X Factor and threatening to throw my friends through the window. I laugh but judging by Emmas face I’m worried that she’s not joking. Just as the argument is getting to it’s peak David grabs the remote control and puts Kerrang on the TV, Tribute is playing, a couple of people start singing along and before you know it everybody has joined in. We’re all stood up, screaming along to the song jumping around the room and all animosity is forgotten.
Simple Minds – Don’t You (Forget About Me) I have been friends with a very special girl for twelve years of my life her name is Laura and I love her to bits. This is just one of many songs that hold a special place in our friendship. Other contenders were, Sexy And I Know It – LMFAO and Party In The USA – Miley Cyrus, I know! I didn’t say they were good songs though! We usually blast them all whilst holding the other two people in our gang hostage in the back seat of Lauras car, sorry Nick, sorry Ben. The reason I chose this song over any of our others is ‘the air punch’, you know what I’m talking about, the end scene of Breakfast Club! For Lauras 21st birthday her parents threw her a HUGE party, I wish we could have spent more of the evening together but of course Laura had to circulate through the room thanking distant relatives for coming. Whilst she was doing her rounds I put a request in with the DJ for this song. When the very first note began I span round the room and instantly located her in the crowd, it was easy as she was the only one in the room screaming and punching the air! I love this song because whenever I hear it I think of her, I think of what an amazing friend she’s been and how many good times we’ve had together.

The Beatles – Here Comes The Sun

On my eighteenth birthday we were evicted from our home, we packed as much of our belongings as we could into a truck and headed for Scotland. It had been one of the coldest winters in years, the snow had been so bad the day before our journey that people had been left stranded in their cars on the side of the road. All along the motorway stood half melted snowmen left behind to stand guard over peoples abandoned cars. By the time we made it to our new house night had come, Dad and my brother David hauled our heavier items into the house. I was told to wait in the back of the truck to keep an eye on everything, sat shivering in the back of cold truck in the middle of the night was not how I had envisioned celebrating my eighteenth. This set the tone of the next few months for my family, parents without jobs for the first time in their adult lives, no money, no food, no heating and Christmas just around the corner. Mum was adamant that we were not going to get settled in this place this was just a temporary measure whilst we got back on our feet. Despite Mums feelings I wanted to unpack some of my things, I wanted to feel a little familiarity, I hung my clothes up on the wall, stacked my books in the corner of the room and scattered some of my old teddy bears on my mattress. Most importantly I found Dads CD collection in one box marked, ‘odds and endbeatless’, I plugged in Davids stereo and played The Beatles Abbey Road. For the next two months I listened to this album constantly on repeat. I would dance around my room, my sanctuary, beyond my bedroom door the situation was dire but in here with John, Paul, George and Ringo life was good. I was happy in those moments.

Be A Weirdo..

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I’ve signed up for the Writing 101 thingy-ma-bob with Blogging U, the idea is to try and improve the quality and quantity of my blogging/writing, please enjoy day ones assignment. …

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To accept that you are not a ‘cool’ individual is the first step to living a life without constantly worrying about what others think, I imagine any acceptance of who you really are as a person will have this effect. To further your enlightenment you can learn and accept that being ‘cool’ isn’t all that fun, being able to express yourself freely regardless of how silly it is, that’s a whole bunch of fun. This sentiment can be very hard to embrace especially if you are still in high school or any situations where your surrounding peers still place a lot of importance on fitting in.

As a teenager I had a large group of friends who I had little in common with and I found it hard to relate to them, I felt like such an outsider and try as I might I was never truly accepted by them. Then I realised I didn’t want to fit into anything if it meant I couldn’t be the person I enjoy being. Then I met a group of girls, they were weird, they were fun and they were my support group and best friends for the rest of school. We accepted each others personalities and quirks and because we were comfortable together we always had the greatest fun.

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As I’ve grown older I’ve slowly let go of this fear of what people think, it’s hard to do as we are constantly told in order to succeed in life we have to fit into these certain moulds and behave in a particular manner. I say do what you want to, express yourself however you feel like doing so, dress in a way you enjoy, find the things in life that make you happy and forget that maybe there’s people looking at you with stern faces. Their scolding looks are judging you but their also envying you, they may look the part but it’s all a facade. Beneath their perfectly coiffed hair and their stiff upper lip is some kind of quirk, some ‘odd’ passion that they’ve chosen to hide away. So I say, “Let your freak flag fly” if you want to experience unbridled happiness on a daily basis.